Your Worst Self Gets a Vote

Ask a person to list their character traits and you'll reliably get a list of positive attributes: loyal, trustworthy, kind, generous, selfless, and so on. This is understandable, expected even.

Much ink has been spilled on the topic and the body of writing on character tends to focus on developing what we typically think of as positive character traits. Furthermore, it's uncomfortable to think about the parts of ourselves that we are less satisfied with. Most people would not openly air the lesser angels of their nature. Not willingly, anyway.

But this is exactly where the opportunity for true growth is missed. A person's character spans the complete spectrum of who they are. The good, the bad and yes, the ugly as well. One of the most famous self-help books, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, walks the reader through methods of accentuating the behaviors of a good person. Carnegie advises that one should be curious about other people, use their name, appear friendly and open, listen more, focus conversation on others' interests, etc. Altogether, these traits can certainly make for an agreeable person. Carnegie isn't necessarily wrong, but his book teaches someone to act like a good person rather than to become one. Does his advice make for an authentic person? One who can stand up to the trials that life is bound to bring you? I would say, "no."

What Carnegie and other authors miss is the other side of these traits that live within most people: closed-mindedness, forgetfulness, dismissiveness, selfishness, or thoughtlessness. The uncomfortable truth is that until a person reckons with the character traits that they are less proud of, those traits will always have a vote on that person's behavior, and these traits will probably manifest at the least opportune time.

I've had more opportunities to confront the lesser side of my character than I'd like to remember. But, over a lifetime of wrestling with the areas of my character where I can fall short, I've learned some invaluable lessons.

The first is that we are always one impossible situation away from becoming our worst self. If you believe that there is a limit to the poor character you are capable of displaying, that is only a limitation of your imagination. When you are tired, or hungry, or sleep-deprived, or stressed, or in any way dysregulated, that is the perfect storm for your guard to falter and for the parts of you that you'd rather not think about to take over.

And this leads to my second lesson: our best hope for getting in front of a poor character decision is to recognize when we are in the position to fall short of our potential. This comes with experience, but rarely by accident. You have to be intentional in seeking out hardships, discomfort, or the possibility of failure if you are to truly test your character. Your character is like any other attribute capable of growth: it has to be exercised first. Your strength will only grow in response to a stimulus, likewise your character can only strengthen through adversity.

But here's the hard part for most people: if you undertake this challenge, you will eventually fail. You will fall short. You will find the edges of where all that is good about you meets all that is not. And when that happens, if you are to grow and push that boundary further out, you must reflect, whether through journaling, through conversations with a loved one or friend, or through a coach. You must take stock of how and why you arrived at that point of failure if you are to gain the self-awareness required to push your boundaries further.

To fail is part of the human condition. We're not perfect. Most of us will fall short without ever really trying. The untested fail by accident, the tested fail on purpose, and only the second kind teaches you anything. The question isn't whether you'll fail. It's what you do next. Will it define you and forever chart the course your life takes? Or is it a call to action to learn and grow and become the best self that you were always capable of becoming?